drowning it all out
This is a free-write. Some things may not seem connected. But they are.
I’m not concerned about writing pretty words. I’m more concerned about being truthful. Society has some ugliness that needs to be exposed. And because of it, I and others have had to carry pain, insecurities and battles that distract us and put us off from our greater purposes.
I’m too woke. And I mean, that sometimes I want to be unaware so I don’t react. Because when you go off they call you “savage” and “angry” and “uncivilized.”
Like Nicki’s face at the VMAs when she said perfectly, “WHAT’S GOOD.” I want that moment on a t-shirt or bag and to carry it around everywhere I go. I do not worship Nicki, but I still mess with her. Her nostrils were flaring like mine would. Again, did you see her face? She’s freaking channeling ancestors and their burdens and I knew in that moment she was letting that rage flare and something about it was just freeing.
Someone once grabbed my butt while I was in the club. And when I turned around I couldn’t tell who had done it. I proceeded to stand in the crowded area only for someone to grab me again. I cursed him out. He cursed back and then his friends grabbed him and my friends grabbed me. No one was hurt that night – not physically. But certainly I hurt his ego and he hurt my self-esteem.
I shared this experience with a guy who I was dating at the time and he told me, “Can you blame him?” I got upset and went off because he was giving the guy a pass for disrespecting me and basically, stating that the size of my behind deserved the assault. He follows with, “Calm down and stop letting people steal your joy.” I still cringe when I think about it because not only was he wrong but he tried to tell me I had no right to be angry. This is a person that still tries to leave me messages on social media, which I ignore.
I find it funny that you think I still care! LOL
One summers’ night, a stranger man was walking a couple of steps behind me. He was about 40-plus and of the ashy kind. I ignored him until I simply said good night to wave him off (because when you’re not trying to be bothered, who has time honestly?) His response: “Yeah that’s what wrong with y’all black women. That’s why Asian and white women, when I say Hi to them, they’re nicer. They smile back. Black women always have an attitude.” Firstly, I don’t know that any other race of men compare their women to other women to make them feel bad. Also I’m thinking, I’m sure a black woman pushed your big dumb head out to bring you into this world at some point, so where does all this animosity come from? Oh it must be so hard out here as a man getting rejected. Have you ever wondered how hard it is for a woman to constantly be objectified? I also owed you nothing. Why are you placing your insecurities on me?
And shout out to the dudes who hop in my mentions with jokes when I’m being serious about the bull-shit that I see in this world particularly when it comes to these diseases I mentioned prior. Thou shall not troll me.
Then I’m in the movie theater watching Straight Outta Compton and people are laughing at a certain scene that’s super misogynistic. But no one was laughing when the cops forced them on the ground and told them not to move. Just my observations.
Who is allowed to be angry? Everyone else can express displeasure without contest. For us black women we’re told to calm down, stop being angry, crazy and uncivilized.
Maya Angelou once said that we’re allowed to be angry. I listen to her. Not y’all.
“You should be angry. You must not be bitter. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn’t do anything to the object of its displeasure. So use that anger. You write it. You paint it. You dance it. You march it. You vote it. You do everything about it. You talk it. Never stop talking it.”
I’ve said my peace for now.