I’ve yet to finish sharing my travel pieces. And over the course of the next several weeks I plan to. But today, I wanted to blog about what I’m feeling post-trip.
I asked myself this very hard question, “Do I love myself?” I had problems saying yes without the word “but” after.
Although I’ve been moving from place to place for the past few months, now that I’ve settled back in and had time to think, I’ve come to a greater understanding of what self-love means.
I once viewed self-love as this glorious light-filled destination of constant perfection. That when I got there, I would never have a problem again. But self-love is not and I repeat not a destination. It is a journey that you pursue and choose daily.
That means there will also be darker and or quieter days.
This past year I quit my job, went to a far away land alone and left behind my loved ones. I currently am struggling with money and I’m finding myself crying more often than ever.
But I know that it is important to feel the sadness; to feel the moments of doubt and uncertainty; to feel the old passing away and the challenge of learning a new path. But I know none of this is in vain.
I’m doing this because I see and know my value. And I’m walking in it. And anything that doesn’t level up needs to be shed away NOW. It’s urgent. Everything I do must have purpose and serve me if I’m going to serve it with my time and energy as well. There must be a fair exchange and I must advocate and always have a conversation with myself about what that looks like.
And so going back to the original question I had earlier, “Do I love myself?” The answer is yes. And I believe I’ve loved myself much longer than I’ve realized.
With all my flaws, I am still growing. And I’ve never accepted stagnation as the final answer in my life.
I told someone the other day that although I’ve been crying, I’ve been working. So even if I have to cry and work then break and cry again then get back to work, it’s going to get done. The love I have for what I do brings out my joy and inspires me to keep going.
I’m allowing myself to be human through this. And if no one else allows me to be that, then I will give myself such. Because what else is more loving than that?
Back in May, when I moved from seven cities over the course of 30 days, I would often experience pre-travel anxiety. I knew no one close to me in any of these places. And each new place I had to figure out the transportation system, find the supermarket, navigate not knowing the language and just gain my bearings. And although I trust the travel groups I’m part of on-line, meet-ups with people (who I now call friends) always made me nervous. But I couldn’t be afraid.
The money was already spent on each flight and train. No one was going to come get me. I was really on my own.
But what’s funny was after two or three days of exploring each new place, the anxiety would fade away after I embraced my environment.
Currently, I’m trying to apply this lesson of embracing the now as I walk in this place in my life. Because I’m back in New York, a city I’ve always lived in with the exception of my college years, it’s harder to switch my perspective. But I have a great feeling and I’m happy to be back here.
frustrated this morning. need to find my way back to square one.
— Natelegé W. (@natelege_) May 1, 2015
It’s been almost a year and a half since I tweeted this. And I received exactly what I wanted. I’m back at square one right now.
And to think about how far I’ve come since then ***phew***. Although less comfy, this fresh clean slate feels much better than where I was back then.
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